disappointments, gratitude
Then the tribe's kiln broke down.
I got my non-crackle glaze sample on November 29th. It did not match the tile with the crackle glaze at all, or any of our materials. The contractor said it was time to order the materials right away. So I asked for the crackle glazed mandala tiles, and Ann Sacks told us they were no longer available. Kathy suggested we go without any decorative tiles. I thought that would be too subtle. I felt like we were being penalized for Ann Sacks not being able to produce. I had a good cry over this one.
Over the weekend, I came to accept this. On Monday, I checked the counter-top stone and floor tiles, and the onyx mosaic, and thought they are beautiful enough. So, we will have a white bathroom.
These are the kinds of things that feed my depression. Like our foyer. We visualized a grand stairway with a big coat closet to one side to eliminate the need for a cluttered coat and hat rack right by the front door. Not possible. The city of Oakland required us to bring our outside wall in 18 inches from the outside wall. This is called a setback, and leaves little room for a closet.
I am seeing that I am spoiled. I am depressed because I cannot get what I want. And yet, there are people sleeping on the bench outside at the end of our block where we rent. I gave one of them a blanket one night. My therapist has suggested I practice noticing what I am grateful for. I read about a Balinese medicine man who prescribed sitting and smiling as meditation. So every day, I am remembering to feel grateful for Erin, for my health, my community, every thing I can think of. And today, I will try to take a few minutes to sit and smile.
Labels: Remodel project